Find Your Advocates

Caregivers need caring too.

Jun 24, 2025

Among the thousands of decisions we needed to make during Ariana’s cancer journey, her course of treatment was the decision. She was stage four. She had incurable cancer, and the oncologist wanted to treat her as such and do the lightest treatment to give her the most comfortable life possible.

This didn’t resonate with me. I didn’t want to treat her like she was already dead, like we were going to hook her up to a morphine drip and let her coast into death. Quite frankly, that’s exactly what it felt like.

Questioning the Standard Approach

Ariana and I went back to her breast specialist to discuss options and what this diagnosis truly meant. The specialist still wasn’t 100% convinced about the results. The doctors couldn’t perform a biopsy on the tumors discovered on Ariana’s back as they were in too precarious a location, making the risk too high to obtain tissue samples.

So the medical team was left to speculate about what was happening inside my wife’s body. Were they tumors? It seemed plausible, but the pattern of the three spots on the bone scan was abnormal. The breast specialist wasn’t convinced.

Instead, she wanted to discuss options that would treat Ariana like she was going to be cured. This was exactly the language I needed to hear. I knew she wasn’t going to be cured, but she was thirty years old. It wasn’t enough to let her coast into death without trying our absolute best.

Fighting for Aggressive Treatment

Ariana’s breast specialist (let’s call her Dr. Breast) advocated with our oncologist for what she believed was right. They developed what everyone agreed was the best course of treatment: aggressive chemotherapy followed by scans to see if the spots on Ariana’s back shrunk. This would prove definitively whether the spots were tumors.

After that, Ariana would have a double mastectomy. Why give cancer any chance to take hold somewhere else?

The Critical Role of Medical Advocates

Dr. Breast was extraordinary. She was with us every step of the way. She was Ariana’s surgeon, translator, and protector who helped us understand what was really happening and what to do next.

We couldn’t have survived Ariana’s treatment without her. Having an advocate who serves as your liaison, protector, and translator is everything. Too many people are left to navigate the overwhelming flood of information that hits after diagnosis.

Cancer is specific to each person, yet once you receive a diagnosis, everyone wants to offer recommendations about how their cousin’s brother’s girlfriend drank some miracle cure for a week and was magically healed.

I appreciate their good intentions, but cancer doesn’t work that way. It’s not a one-size-fits-all disease, and having all that advice thrown at you while trying to grieve your diagnosis is incredibly difficult.

Why You Can’t Go It Alone

You cannot expect to survive without an advocate. Doctors do this every day. As much as they care, you’re just another person living with this disease. Sometimes they say things so casually that the impact is lost on them.

They have experience and knowledge backing their words, so what they take for granted might sound like the end of the world to you or your loved one.

You need someone with experience who is dedicated to your specific situation. The person going through treatment needs to focus solely on getting through treatment and feeling better.

If you’re the caregiver, your job is to grieve with your partner and help them with whatever they need. Your role will be much bigger than you can possibly imagine: late-night research sessions about supplements and diets, worrying about treatment courses, and questioning whether you’re on the right path.

Our Second Advocate: More Than Nutrition

The advocate helps translate everything you’re trying to figure out and communicates with your medical team on your behalf.

We had two advocates: Dr. Breast and our nutritionist (let’s call her Mrs. Nutritionist), who was far more than a nutritionist. She was the world to us.

Ariana stayed healthy through all her surgeries and chemotherapy. She actually gained weight during chemo. Unbelievable!

Mrs. Nutritionist understood cancer treatment so well that she supported Ariana’s body and immune system better than I believe anyone else could have.

But she also supported me.

When Research Becomes Overwhelming

One month, I read too many books on nutrition and immune support. I was up late researching, reading, and strategizing. The pressure to keep my wife alive was becoming unbearable.

I couldn’t keep facts straight anymore. I had pages of notes about diets and supplements, schedules of what Ariana should take and do.

Everything was overwhelming.

I was losing my sanity.

Everything seemed dangerous.

I started believing the world was out to kill us: the WiFi, the food, the water, the light. Everything.

Sleep deprivation didn’t help. I knew I needed support, so I reached out to Mrs. Nutritionist.

She listened to my concerns and calmly explained the right course of action. She talked me down from the ledge and helped me find balance.

Her skill was so evident that I felt immediate relief. This is what an advocate does for you. This is what you need in your life. It takes a team of people over the course of treatment to keep someone moving forward.

Life After Diagnosis

Life is never be the same after diagnosis. You continue researching and reading, doing whatever you can to help your loved one.

It becomes a job and a priority.

To the Caregivers Reading This: I See You

You’re exhausted.

You’re scared.

You’re carrying more than anyone should have to carry.

You’re doing research at 2 AM because you can’t turn off your brain. You’re questioning every medical decision. You’re trying to be strong while your world falls apart.

This is normal. You are normal. And you need help.

Here’s what I want you to do:

Save this post for when you need to remember you’re not crazy.
Share it with someone who needs to understand your role as a caregiver.
Comment and tell me what your biggest challenge is right now.

I’m not a medical professional, but I’m someone who’s been where you are. I know what it’s like to feel responsible for someone’s life while feeling completely out of your depth.

It is exhausting and difficult being a caregiver. It is hard to watch your loved one endure the pain and suffering they are in. You feel like a ghost–invisible. You fade into the background, overshadowed by the disease and treatment of the very one you are supporting.

I see you.

You don’t have to figure this out alone.

Find your advocates.

Find your community.

If you do not have a community, you are always welcome to join the Unvoiced Community. Join and find support now.