Your Grief Is Real, Even If They're Still Here
Most people don't realize they are experiencing grief because their loved one is still alive. They think those crushing moments of sadness from seemingly normal life events and situations mean they're weak or giving up on their person.
They're wrong.
It's your brain preparing for loss, and it has a name: anticipatory grief.
If you're a caregiver watching someone you love die slowly, this is your reality. I discovered this while deadlifting when a podcast guest mentioned her cancer diagnosis.
My focus broke.
The bar crashed to the floor.
So did I.
My wife, Ariana, was upstairs making coffee, living with terminal cancer. I was downstairs trying to process my future reality–Ariana was going to die, and I couldn't do anything to change that.
We were both navigating anticipatory grief without understanding what it was or how to handle it together.
Here's what anticipatory grief is, why it's protective for relationships, and the three strategies that help to process it instead of suffering in isolation.
What Anticipatory Grief Really Is
From the moment I got the call from Ariana telling me she had cancer, my body began to revolt. Every time I had to hear the word "cancer", I would feel a constriction around my body. I would listen to the sound of bars snapping into place as my prison began to form.
It all happened without my permission, and I didn't know it was anticipatory grief. I knew it was pain, but I didn't know its name.
Anticipatory grief is different than the grief when your person dies. It is the experience of grieving before they are gone. The process and effects are complex and deeply personal.
Anyone facing a potential loss can experience it, but certain groups are more affected.
Caregivers: This group typically shows high rates of anticipatory grief from the proximity to the slow, eventual death of their loved one, with the burdens of having to care for them.
Spouses: The deep emotional bond between them and their person can intensify the sense of impending loss.
Individuals with a Terminal Diagnosis: The person who is sick is also prone to experiencing it, grieving their future, loss of experiences they'll miss out on, and the impact their death will have on those around them.
While it is usually triggered by a terminal event, the everyday effects can be vast and personal:
Crying during normal activities
Feeling guilty for planning ahead
Emotional numbness alternating with intense sadness
Living with death on the horizon is crushing and often met with unrealistic optimism from those around you.
"At least they are in treatment…"
"I know this one thing that I heard about that can cure them…"
"There is still time"
"Be thankful for each day you have with them…"
It is the truth of what you are living through that makes others uncomfortable. So they push it away with these platitudes. And make your grief about their discomfort.
It creates an isolation as you begin to hide your pain, excuse it away, and pretend it doesn't exist for the sake of having to explain yourself to everyone around you.
This is making it worse. The grief needs to be spoken out loud and validated, because what you experience in the days, months, and years before they die is real and valid.
Why Anticipatory Grief Is Actually Protective
Ariana walked into the kitchen. I was sitting at the table, hunched over my laptop. It was my monthly review of our budget and finances.
I looked up briefly to notice her and began attacking.
"You went over budget again."
"Why can't you just stay on budget?"
"Why can't you just check in to make sure we have the money?"
I stopped talking to wait for her response. It was our monthly ritual. I freak out. She shrugs and lets it roll off her back.
She sat down and met my eyes. I saw them immediately begin to swell and redden.
"I don't want to have to be careful. I want to feel normal, like everyone else. To make mistakes and not constantly be reminded that I'm dying."
I knew in that moment that I had messed up. I had been blinded by my fear.
She was dying. She needed money now.
I was surviving. I needed money later.
Her cancer dug a ditch between our now two goals, which were once united.
Anticipatory grief will overwhelm you and your relationships. It will create destructive patterns in your life–when left unchecked. Unacknowledged and ignored.
But, there is an opportunity for it to strengthen your relationships through meaningful conversations, difficult but meaningful ones that:
Identify ways to make intentional memories
Give voice to each other's fears and concerns
Address ways to find closure
Build new goals for the relationship
Three Ways to Process Anticipatory Grief, Together
Here are three ways to process it together, instead of suffering alone:
Name the Monster Together
Schedule a time to talk and use the phrase, "I'm feeling the anticipatory grief today, and it looks like [fear/sadness/anger]."
The lie is comfortable. The truth is freeing. Acknowledge the future loss out loud. It kills the power of the unspoken.
Turn Fear into a Plan
Use this prompt: "If time were short, what's one memory we need to create?" or "Let's talk logistics for 15 minutes, then put it away."
Have a real conversation about competing needs and turn conflict into planning sessions.
Grieve the Future, But Live in the Present.
Don't let impending death be the death of the relationship.
For every hard conversation you have about the future, plan one activity that is completely rooted in the present.
Go for a walk without phones
Watch a stupid movie
Plan a weekend away
Order from your favorite restaurant
The goal is to consciously create moments where the grief isn't the main character in the room.
Your whole life shifts, and you live both in the present and the future. Your reality becomes a nightmare.
Anticipatory grief is real.
What you feel is real.
- CJ
What are your experiences with anticipatory grief? Did you know it was a real thing?
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